And then, “So, are you religious at all?”

“Not really. I was brought up in an Anglican family, but I never really liked God. I mean, what kind of father would threaten to abandon his children because they ignore him? And not only abandon them, but send them to the basement that happens to be on fire. And not only that, he's also invisible. And, oh yeah, almost forgot, he statutorially rapes virgins. And the kids are doubly messed up because they have an absentee mother.”

“Well, maybe he's just busy, like, trying to reconcile with his wife, and the whole hell thing is an idle threat but we blow it way out of proportion.”

“What do you mean?”

“OK, well, he has an entire universe to run, so maybe we're like little kids who are jumping on beds and smearing jam on the walls and colouring on tables and he's like, 'Kids! Daddy's working, OK, his job is important, he's granting a touchdown, OK, so quiet down in there or I'll send you to hell for eternity.' But he never would, because he loves us, he just wants to put the fear of himself in his kids, and if he realized how much we fear hell, he'd never use it as an idle threat.

“Hmm. I like it. Maybe that's what Earth kids hear when they get in shit. Their version of hell is actually a desolate, Stygian wasteland called Time Out and purgatory is the dreaded kingdom of Don't Make me Count to Ten.”

We had food and more drinks. She has the weirdest and awesomest job ever. This is how you know a lot of this story is nonfiction because I couldn't come up with this shit. She creates names and flavours of lollipop. She's mostly created normalish flavours (like Cotton Candy Creme), but we got to talking about the weirdest flavours she'd ever come across (Maple & Bacon; Tequila & Worm) and then we started making up some of our own flavours, trying to one-up each other. Here are just a few:

Sex Sweat
Grandparents House Smell
Jennifer Aniston's Garbage Sampler
Eau de What Charlie Sheen's On
Teenage Boy on a Camping Trip Underpants
Prison Shower
Zombie Pit Lick

This date was going well, I could just about smell her sweet nakedness already. BTW, If you would like to add your own lollipop flavour, go to the blog and I'll put up a special place for it.